Sparrow Envy - A Poem by J. Drew Lanham

Hey everyone, 

In my April 2023 Book Club, I wrote about the mesmerizing experience of reading J. Drew Lanham’s phenomenal memoir The Home Place: Memoir of a Colored Man’s Love Affair with Nature. I’ve since fallen into a book of poetry he wrote. A lot of which is about birds! Check out the “title track” from his book Sparrow Envy. I love the poems about swan dreams and nighttime migrations, too … but see if these few words on 'sparrow envy' resonate with you today. 

Neil

 

Sparrow Envy from 'Sparrow Envy'

Written by J. Drew Lanham | Full book here

Were I the sparrow
brown-backed skittish and small—
I would find haven
in thorniest thickets—
search far and wide for fields lain fallow
treasure the unkempt
worship the unmown
covet the weed-strewn row

I would slink
between sedges 
chip unseen from brambles
skulk deep within hedges
and desire the ditches grown wild

I would find great joy
in the mist-sodden morning
sing humble pleas
from the highest weeds
and plead
for the gray days to stay

 

Watching the Wheels by John Lennon

Written by John Lennon | Music Video here

 

Hey everyone,

March break up in Canada this week. Schools closed, snow falling, kids bouncing off the walls. I've taken this week off work for nine years straight now -- and despite one kid asking me to "pick up meeeee!" as I write this and another trying to show me a picture of a man with a crowbar through his chest that he found in a world records book, well, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This is hitting your inboxes in a few minutes at 7:30am EST and so far today I've had a great three hours of pee-filled pyjamas, a workout with thirty-pound kids rolling off my back, doing watercolors, and slow-mo-making five different breakfasts.

For me, raising kids is simultaneously exhausting and exquisite. Emotions shaken into the pot from every bottle in the cupboard.

One tiny place I find myself drawing inspiration from as a dad is Watching the Wheels by John Lennon. The song is John answering critics asking why he left music in 1975 to lean into life with Yoko and raise their son Sean for five years -- up until his still-so-horrible-to-think-about assassination in 1980. For me, the song represents a rare jewel in the Lennon Canon -- the only song I can think of where he talks about 'househusbanding' (as he called it) and some of the simple, deeper pleasures of leaning into fatherhood and raising kids. "I sort of half-consciously wanted to spend the first five years of Sean's life actually giving him all the time I possibly could," he said. "I look after the baby and I made bread and I was a househusband and I am proud of it."

I love the song's message of leaning into a slower and more intentional way of living. But our capitalism and algorithm-fueled fame machine asks louder than ever: "Surely you're not happy now? -- you no longer play the ga-aaaaaaaame."

Maybe I aspire to that myself. Or maybe I have it and need to remind myself to prioritize this when I'm asked why I like being, you know, just me. Why I don't hire ten people and really make a go of this thing! Hire more social media managers, ghostwriters, research assistants, people to follow me around with cameras, and, you know -- pump it up! amplify! grow the platform! take the message to the worrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllld!

Well ... because I love watching the wheels go by. That's why. I love being with my wife and my kids. I don't want to be working so hard telling people not to miss this that I end up missing it myself. Here I am stealing fifteen minutes of my morning to write this and even now ... I feel like I'm missing it.

Enjoy your day, squeeze your loved ones, and, when it comes to pulling away from the machine a little to enjoy watching the wheels, well, don't feel bad. Enjoy it. As John sings: "I just had to.... let it go-ooooooooOOOOOooooooooo."

Now just try watching the music video without crying.

Thank you so much for being part of this community.

Have a great week everybody and love you lots,

Neil

 

Lyrics:

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing

Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin

When I say that I'm okay, well, they look at me kind of strange

"Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game?"

People say I'm lazy ... dreaming my life away

Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me

When I tell that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall

"Don't you miss the big time boy? You're no longer on the ball...."

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll

No longer riding on the merry-go-ro-ounnnnnd

I just had to let it go

People asking questions ... lost in confusion

Well I tell them there's no problem... only solutions

Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind

I tell them there's no hurry... I'm just sitting here doing time

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll

No longer riding on the merry-go-round

I just had to.... let it go-ooooooooOOOOOooooooooo.

10 things I (try to) do every day to get more done

Do you feel like it’s getting harder to get stuff done?

It’s not just you. The distraction machine is cranked to 10. Endless apps and feeds and algorithms fight for our attention. They’re good at getting it, too! No wonder Reed Hastings, founder of Netflix, says their greatest competitor of all is sleep.

I find myself revisiting simple practices to help make sure I actually get anything done.

Here are ten habits I (try to) do to get more done each day:

1. Wake up and look at my ikigai

An ikigai is the ‘reason you get out of bed in the morning.’

Leslie and I take simple blank index cards, fold them in half, and set them up like tent cards on our bedside table.

I think of the ikigai I write on the card as “my morning message to myself” and find it helps provide a quick north star to my day.

I change what I write on the cards. Sometimes I’ll get lofty and purposeful (“Helping people live happy lives”), sometimes I’ll get focused (“Finish writing the next book”), and sometimes I’ll just use the card as a way to neutralize anxiety (“You have enough.”)

I write more about ikigais in The Happiness Equation and, if you want to go deeper, I recommend Héctor Garcia’s book Ikigai.
 
2. Two-Minute Mornings

I spend half a second staring at my ikigai card. Now what?

The next thing I do is grab my Two-Minute Mornings journal (or just any other index card is fine) and write my response to three prompts:

  • I will let go of…

  • I am grateful for…

  • I will focus on…

Research titled “Don’t look back in anger!” by Brassen, Gamer, Peters, Gluth, and Bluch in Science shows that minimizing regrets as we age creates greater contentment and happiness. I think there’s a big reason why confession and repentance show up across major world religions. Writing down and letting go of something feels like wiping a wet shammy across the blackboard of our minds. (I will let go of…)

Research by Emmons and McCullough shows if you write down five gratitudes a week you’re measurably happier over a ten-week period. The more specific the better! Don’t write “my dog” ten days in a row. Try “When the rescue puppy we got during the pandemic finally stopped peeing on my husband’s pillow,” etc. (I am grateful for…)

Finally, all kinds of small aggravating things hang out in my brain when I sleep. I'm not talking dreams. I mean the middle of the night "Oh yeah, I need to do that" things. Take the van in for the oil change! Ask the pharmacist about that rash! Overnight brain burbles need to be processed so the last prompt helps me aim to get one done. I'm carving a “will do” from my endless “could do" and "should do” lists. (I will focus on…)

Two-minute mornings help prime your brain for positivity.

3. Lift something heavy  

Every day I lift heavy weights I seem to buy myself the rest of the day without feeling stress. It’s like a magic pill. I don’t like lifting weights! I hate lifting weights! But it’s worth it for that stress-free feeling for the next 24 hours.

Workouts such as Push/Pull/Legs or 5x5 are great -- and, honestly, just Google Image-searching them plus "workout" works for me -- but if you need a cajoling of some kind I suggest using Trainiac. I started in the pandemic and I got a real human coach (hi Geoff!) who sets my routines, using the equipment I have or will have (i.e., at a hotel gym), and then sends me notes, prompts, messages, and videos to keep me going. I don’t know how to do an exercise? I send him a video, he critiques my form. I have a question? He responds the next day.

To be clear: I’m not being sponsored by this app — I have no ads on any of my stuff and I accept zero payments or credits, etc, etc — but I’ve just been using it since the pandemic and enjoy it. I did personal training (like in person, at a gym) years ago but found it time and cost prohibitive.

I personally set my goal for four workouts a week and then if I “fail” and only get three in I still feel good. What about no workout days? I throw my kids in the air for a few minutes. I’m winded after! And we both feel great.

4. Walk 5km a day

Guess what the average human walking speed is?

5km/hour.

So just moving one phone meeting to a “walk and talk” helps get that 5km of walking in. I personally find that I’m actually more focused on the phone call when I’m walking because I’m not surrounded by the endless distractions of screens. Plus, it’s good for your health, good for community connection (you actually talk to your neighbors!), and walking tends to stoke your creativity, too. And, side benefit, it brings out your inner birder.

For more on walking I recommend “Walking” by Henry David Thoreau (free out of copyright full version) or “Why I Do All This Walking” by Nassim Taleb (Scribd link, with full essay in The Black Swan.)

5. Schedule one UNTOUCHABLE day a week

Okay, this isn’t a daily habit but a weekly one. I’m sneaking it in anyway because it’s so powerful.

A New Yorker feature by Alexandra Schwartz calls our focus on productivity and hustle “improving ourselves to death.” She writes, “It’s no longer enough to imagine our way to a better state of body or mind. We must now chart our progress, count our steps, log our sleep rhythms, tweak our diets, record our negative thoughts — then analyze the data, recalibrate, and repeat.”

What’s one solution? Untouchable Days. These are days where I am literally unreachable, by anyone, in any way — all day. My productivity is about 10 times higher on these days.

I know on the surface this idea sounds completely impractical and I mostly get scoffing and head shakes when I start talking about it. But, I also get more emails from people successfully using this concept across a vast array of ages and careers. If it sounds too hard, there’s nothing wrong with starting with an Untouchable Lunch. Leave your phone at your desk and get outside for an hour where nobody can reach you.

I go deeper on this concept in this viral HBR article and in my book on resilience.

6. Read 20 (or even 2!) pages of fiction a day

The Annual Review of Psychology published a report that says books are medicine.

Books create empathy, intimacy, compassion, and understanding. Why? Our brain’s mirror neurons fire when we read about experiences we haven’t lived — when we’re another gender, in another country, in another time … our minds think we’re there.

It’s like that Game of Thrones quote: “A reader lives a thousand lives before he dies … the man who never reads lives only one.”

Now, the troubling stat is that the American Time Use Survey says that 57% of Americans read zero books last year. Zero! Meanwhile, we’re spending over 5 hours a day on our phones.

But Science magazine published a formative study in 2013 which showed that reading literary fiction improved test results measuring social perception and empathy. So if we can channel a few minutes of phone time each day to reading fiction, we’ll have a natural way to zoom out of our problems and feel more connected to the wider world.
Everything feels easier after that.

7. “Wear one suit.”

It’s a principle.

I wear a blue suit jacket, white dress shirt, dark blue jeans, Nike running shoes, and my yellow watch … to every single speech and media interview I do. So I never think about what to wear for any of them. I just buy multiples of the same running shoes, shirts, socks, etc.

Same thing with my breakfast. “Drink one shake.” I’ve been drinking the same shake for fifteen years. Water, turmeric, cinnamon, half a frozen banana, powdered greens, frozen greens, protein, nut butter, nut milk, yogurt, and avocado. Sure, maybe I change the protein flavor once in a while, but the point is that I can make it on auto-pilot.

What can you systemize to free up more brain space for everything else?

8. Write a “3 things” cue card

Every night before I go up to bed I write an index card with tomorrow’s day up top — THURSDAY — and a (maximum) 3-item checklist below. Beside each item, I draw a square box to be checked off. 

Why? Well, a laundry list of 20 things feels overwhelming and oppressive. (That can go on a weekly or monthly checklist.) But the nighttime forced prioritization helps me go to bed knowing I have my track set for the next day. And by making it only 3 I’ve done some of the hard work of simply choosing what not to do.

Also, one principle within the last? “Write first.” What I mean is that writing takes more of my energy than anything else I do, so if the day includes writing I’ll put that first. (You may have heard a similar principle for going to the gym: “Squat first.” Just start with the hardest thing.)

9. Lock the phone up around sunset

University of Bologna professors published a report in Sloan Management Review which showed that anxiety spikes when students don’t have their cellphones for even a single day.

Everyone talks about intermittent fasting … with food. We should be talking about intermittent fasting … with phones.

When I interviewed Johann Hari (author of Stolen Focus) he told me he drops his phone in a K-Safe every night. That’s a big square plastic box with a timer on the outside. Set the timer to 3 hours? It doesn’t open for 3 hours.

Now: Why do I say “around sunset”? Well, because I’m trying (trying!) to get my body more in line with natural light. When the sun dips down I want my brain to dip down, too. Dimmer lights. Candles at dinner. Fewer screens. More books.

Easing my body and mind into a darker, deeper sleep.

Also, if you don’t have a K-Safe or timed lockbox you can try my strategy of asking your partner to “Please hide my phone until tomorrow and don’t tell me where it is even if I ask.”

10. Have a “wind down” routine.

Research from Australia shows that exposing our brains to bright screens before bed reduces melatonin production — the sleep hormone.

So screens mess up our sleep. Great! Now what do we do? Well, we’ve already talked about reading. But what I mean here is you need a nighttime ritual. Maybe it’s playing Rose Rose Thorn Bud with your boyfriend. Maybe it’s flossing and brushing your teeth with your wife. Maybe it’s reading books to your kids. Maybe it’s tidying up your dresser and setting out your clothes for the next morning. Maybe it’s having a warm shower and shaving. 

We need to plug our phones in the basement. (I recommend the furnace room — the darker and cobwebbier, the better!) And have a nighttime ritual that allows us the mental space to widen, reflect, and process the day in a slow and peaceful way.

Okay!

That’s it!

A long list, sure. And a lofty one! But, as always, as with anything I’m suggesting or trying myself, the goal is never to be perfect — it’s just to be a little better than before.

I hope even one or two of these resonate with you. And if you have something you suggest adding to my list — just drop me a line and let me know.

 

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Watching the Wheels by John Lennon

Written by John Lennon | Music Video here

 

Hey everyone,

March break up in Canada this week. Schools closed, snow falling, kids bouncing off the walls. I've taken this week off work for nine years straight now -- and despite one kid asking me to "pick up meeeee!" as I write this and another trying to show me a picture of a man with a crowbar through his chest that he found in a world records book, well, I wouldn't trade it for anything. This is hitting your inboxes in a few minutes at 7:30am EST and so far today I've had a great three hours of pee-filled pyjamas, a workout with thirty-pound kids rolling off my back, doing watercolors, and slow-mo-making five different breakfasts.

For me, raising kids is simultaneously exhausting and exquisite. Emotions shaken into the pot from every bottle in the cupboard.

One tiny place I find myself drawing inspiration from as a dad is Watching the Wheels by John Lennon. The song is John answering critics asking why he left music in 1975 to lean into life with Yoko and raise their son Sean for five years -- up until his still-so-horrible-to-think-about assassination in 1980. For me, the song represents a rare jewel in the Lennon Canon -- the only song I can think of where he talks about 'househusbanding' (as he called it) and some of the simple, deeper pleasures of leaning into fatherhood and raising kids. "I sort of half-consciously wanted to spend the first five years of Sean's life actually giving him all the time I possibly could," he said. "I look after the baby and I made bread and I was a househusband and I am proud of it."

I love the song's message of leaning into a slower and more intentional way of living. But our capitalism and algorithm-fueled fame machine asks louder than ever: "Surely you're not happy now? -- you no longer play the ga-aaaaaaaame."

Maybe I aspire to that myself. Or maybe I have it and need to remind myself to prioritize this when I'm asked why I like being, you know, just me. Why I don't hire ten people and really make a go of this thing! Hire more social media managers, ghostwriters, research assistants, people to follow me around with cameras, and, you know -- pump it up! amplify! grow the platform! take the message to the worrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllld!

Well ... because I love watching the wheels go by. That's why. I love being with my wife and my kids. I don't want to be working so hard telling people not to miss this that I end up missing it myself. Here I am stealing fifteen minutes of my morning to write this and even now ... I feel like I'm missing it.

Enjoy your day, squeeze your loved ones, and, when it comes to pulling away from the machine a little to enjoy watching the wheels, well, don't feel bad. Enjoy it. As John sings: "I just had to.... let it go-ooooooooOOOOOooooooooo."

Now just try watching the music video without crying.

Thank you so much for being part of this community.

Have a great week everybody and love you lots,

Neil

 

Lyrics:

People say I'm crazy doing what I'm doing

Well they give me all kinds of warnings to save me from ruin

When I say that I'm okay, well, they look at me kind of strange

"Surely you're not happy now you no longer play the game?"


People say I'm lazy ... dreaming my life away

Well they give me all kinds of advice designed to enlighten me

When I tell that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall

"Don't you miss the big time boy? You're no longer on the ball...."


I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll

No longer riding on the merry-go-ro-ounnnnnd

I just had to let it go


People asking questions ... lost in confusion

Well I tell them there's no problem... only solutions

Well they shake their heads and they look at me as if I've lost my mind

I tell them there's no hurry... I'm just sitting here doing time


I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round

I really love to watch them roll

No longer riding on the merry-go-round

I just had to.... let it go-ooooooooOOOOOooooooooo.

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The Mind of Absolute Trust by Seng-ts'an

 

I was reading Tim Urban's new book WHAT'S OUR PROBLEM? when a quote from ancient Zen master Seng-ts'an hit me. It read: "If you want the truth to stand clear before you, never be for or against. The struggle between 'for' and 'against' is the mind's worst disease." It's out of context here but I went down a rabbit hole on this sixth-century Zen figure I'd never heard of and found this fascinating brain-scratching poem called "The Mind of Absolute Trust." See if it resonates with you!

 

Poem:

The great way isn't difficult
     for those who are unattached to their preferences.
Let go of longing and aversion,
     and everything will be perfectly clear.
When you cling to a hairbreadth of distinction,
     heaven and earth are set apart.
If you want to realize the truth,
     don't be for or against.
The struggle between good and evil
     is the primal disease of the mind.
Not grasping the deeper meaning,
     you just trouble your mind's serenity.
As vast as infinite space,
     it is perfect and lacks nothing.
But because you select and reject,
     you can't perceive its true nature.
Don't get entangled in the world;
     don't lose yourself in emptiness.
Be at peace in the oneness of things,
     and all errors will disappear by themselves.

If you don't live the Tao,
     you fall into assertion or denial.
Asserting that the world is real,
     you are blind to its deeper reality;
denying that the world is real,
     you are blind to the selflessness of all things.
The more you think about these matters,
     the farther you are from the truth.
Step aside from all thinking,
     and there is nowhere you can't go.
Returning to the root, you find the meaning;
     chasing appearances, you lose their source.
At the moment of profound insight,
     you transcend both appearance and emptiness.
Don't keep searching for the truth;
     just let go of your opinions.

For the mind in harmony with the Tao,
     all selfishness disappears.
With not even a trace of self-doubt,
     you can trust the universe completely.
All at once you are free,
     with nothing left to hold on to.
All is empty, brilliant,
     perfect in its own being.
In the world of things as they are,
     there is no self, no non self.
If you want to describe its essence,
     the best you can say is "Not-two."
In this "Not-two" nothing is separate,
     and nothing in the world is excluded.
The enlightened of all times and places
     have entered into this truth.
In it there is no gain or loss;
     one instant is ten thousand years.
There is no here, no there;
     infinity is right before your eyes.

The tiny is as large as the vast
     when objective boundaries have vanished;
the vast is as small as the tiny
     when you don't have external limits.
Being is an aspect of non-being;
     non-being is no different from being.
Until you understand this truth,
     you won't see anything clearly.
One is all; all
     are one. When you realize this,
     what reason for holiness or wisdom?
The mind of absolute trust
     is beyond all thought, all striving,
is perfectly at peace, for in it
     there is no yesterday, no today, no tomorrow.

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Love for OUR BOOK OF AWESOME

Our Book of Awesome launched on December 6, 2022 and I feel like the personal beneficiary of more love from the awesome 🌊🌊🌊 around the world than I had ever expected. Most of it is in person, in bookstores, on my newsletters, and on my podcast, but I also wanted to throw a post up to gather it all in one place.

TV

Breakfast Television - Rogers (Dina Pugliese, Sid Seixeiro)

CityLine - Rogers (Tracy Moore)

The Morning Show - Global (Carolyn MacKenzie, Sangita Patel)

The Social - CTV (Jess Allen, Melissa Grelo, Traci Melchor)

Your Morning - CTV (Jess Smith)

Radio

Here and Now - NPR (Jane Clayson)

The Current - CBC (Matt Galloway)

Podcasts

Chase Jarvis Live x2 x3

Don’t Keep Your Day Job (Cathy Heller)

Good Life Project (Jonathan Fields)  x2 x3

Moms Don’t Have Time To Read Books (Zibby Owens) x2 x3

Sickboy (Jeremie Saunders, Brian Stever, Taylor MacGillivary) x2 x3

The Holderness Family Podcast (Kim and Penn Holderness) x2

The Joyous Health Podcast (Joy McCarthy)

The Knowledge Project (Shane Parrish) x2

The Light Watkins Show x2 x3

The Miracle Morning (Hal Elrod) x2

The One You Feed (Eric Zimmer)

The Psychology Podcast (Dr. Scott Barry Kauffman) x2 x3

The Warblers (Birds Canada) x2

Interviews

Heroic Luminary Coaching Session (Brian Johnson)

IG Live (Alie Ward)

IG Live (Evan Carmichael) x2

Interview (Brendan Carr)

Blogs / Newsletters / Articles

“3 Lessons on creativity by a bestselling author” - Fast Company (Herbert Liu)

5 Things Making me Happy Newsletter (Gretchen Rubin)

BookTrib Newsletter

Dr. Greg Wells Newsletter

Herbert Liu Best of Books Newsletter

“I’m grateful that I’ve never had to do a gratitude journal” - The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson)

Kindred Newsletter Q&A (Susan Cain)

Laura Vanderkam Newsletter

Marc and Angel Newsletter (Marc and Angel Chernoff)

Print Mag Q&A (Debbie Millman)

Simon & Schuster Newsletter

Simon & Schuster Global Newsletter

The Sunday Paper (Maria Shriver) x2

BookTok / Bookstagram

Alex and Books (Alex Wieckowski)

Becky Overbeck

Blurb Your Enthusiasm (Mary Webber OMalley)

Book Sparkled (Shivi Verna)

Brindle Book Lover

Catherine Price

Divyanshu Reads (Divyanshu Oberoi)

Humble the Poet

Indigo x2

Jay Yang Inspires

Jordan Tarver

Joy McCarthy

Lisa Ray

Matt Karamazov

Mindset Reading (Ravi Sarj)

Mindset Search (Mo Hasnai)

Nina Purewall

Productive Reading

Reader Mentality (Kamalpreet Singh)

Sarah Reads Fiction (Sarah Reid)

Simon & Schuster

The Bloggess (Jenny Lawson)

The Bo.ok Nerd (Laasya Mukkamalla)

The Happiness Library (Marianne Peter Nicoly)

The Maritime Reader (Heather Hines)

Two Percent Better (Cameron Boakye)

Vanessa Van Edwards

Werklife (Abha Chiyedan) x2

Well By Shania (Shania Bhopa)

 

Twitter Love

Alex and Books (Alex Wieckowski)

Ben O’Hara-Byrne

Beth Fish Reads (Dr. Beth Fish)

Elan Mastai

Hector Garcia

Jeremie Saunders

Jonathan Haidt

Lisa Ray

Loan Stars

Maria Shriver

Meesh Beer (Michele-Marie Beer)

Oliver Burkeman

PR by the Book (Kim Weiss)

Post Secret (Frank Warren) x2

Rich Aucoin

Rich Roll

Shawn Achor

Tal Bakker

Vanessa Van Edwards

 

 Bestseller Lists

Globe International Non-Fiction

Globe Canadian Non-Fiction

Vancouver Sun Indie Bookstores

Retail Council Indie Bookstore

Globe International Self Improvement

Porchlight

Do not ask your children to strive by William Martin

 

This little bit of poetry flitted past me recently and I knew I wanted to share it. Why? It somehow struck a nerve of deep contentment and little ping-pong pangs of guilt at the same time. The poem does paint a north star for me. Yes, despite writing a whole bookshelf all about awe. I guess I can be a bit, what's the word? Ambitious? Maybe? Just a tad? That's probably why this poem -- which is actually pulled from a wonderful book called The Parent’s Tao Te Ching by William Martin -- felt like cream on a rash.

I hope it strikes a chord with some of you, too.

 

Poem:

Do not ask your children
to strive for extraordinary lives.
Such striving may seem admirable,
but it is the way of foolishness.
Help them instead to find the wonder
and the marvel of an ordinary life.
Show them the joy of tasting
tomatoes, apples and pears.
Show them how to cry
when pets and people die.
Show them the infinite pleasure
in the touch of a hand.
And make the ordinary come alive for them.
The extraordinary will take care of itself.

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Mother to Son by Langston Hughes

Written by Langston Hughes | Full poem here

 

I stumbled across this poem the other day and it struck me so I thought I’d share it.

 

Poem:

Well, son, I’ll tell you:

Life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

It’s had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor—

Bare.

But all the time

I’se been a-climbin’ on,

And reachin’ landin’s,

And turnin’ corners,

And sometimes goin’ in the dark

Where there ain’t been no light.

So boy, don’t you turn back.

Don’t you set down on the steps

’Cause you finds it’s kinder hard.

Don’t you fall now—

For I’se still goin’, honey,

I’se still climbin’,

And life for me ain’t been no crystal stair.

of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

Sign Up for a Dose of Inspiration:

Every other week, I send an email out with one of my favorite speeches, essays or poems. No ads, no sponsors, no spam, and nothing for sale. Just a dose of inspiration or beauty!

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The Very Best Books I Read in 2022

That time of the year again!

Here are The Very Best Books I Read In 2022!

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20. Stolen Focus: Why You Can’t Pay Attention – and How To Think Deeply Again by Johann Hari. (L/I/A) Like most of us, Johann (“Yo-han”) Hari noticed his attention fracturing but, unlike most of us, he decided to jettison to Provincetown, Massachusetts without his phone for six weeks to explore the issue. What emerges is a feast of a tale about many things happening at once: rises in speed and switching, increased algorithm manipulation, crippling flow states, and the death of free-range childhoods. The book offers optimism and specific practices we can do to win the vital battle for our attention.  

Perfect for: that person who keeps saying they need to get off social media, cultural or political theory majors, anxious Tik-Tok addled teens…

19. Lot by Bryan Washington. (L/I/A) A debut collection of short stories all tangentially telling tales of down-and-out Houston through (mostly) the lens of a half-latino-half-black teen working at his family restaurant and navigating distant siblings and a disappearing dad all while coming to grips with being gay. Crackling prose with accessibility and zing that makes this a great book to study the art of writing. Came out in 2019 and won a slate of fancy awards plus made Barack Obama’s favorite books of the year. 

Perfect for: aspiring writers, people who want to read more queer writing, fans of Junot Diaz books like A Brief Wondrous Life Of Oscar Wao

18. Otto: A Palindrama by Jon Agee. (L/I/A) An Alice-on-an-acid-trip style story of a boy named Otto hypnotically falling into his soup. The book is told entirely in palindromes – I repeat: entirely in palindromes! -- and opens with Otto sitting in his room reading his comic book LOL beside a bookshelf of toys including Mr. Alarm. His mom and dad are downstairs tasting the soup they’re making (“Mmm”) and then start calling him. He starts down but begins playing catch with his dog Pip before his dad yells “Not now Otto – wonton!” Dad looks up from his bowl of soup to encourage Otto to “Nosh, son!” A beautiful example of what books can do.  

Perfect for: precocious children, crossword puzzle fans, anyone who loved Raj Halder's masterpiece P is for Pterodactyl… 

17. How To Get Filthy Rich In Rising Asia by Mohsin Hamid. (L/I/A) Quick Mohsin bio: Born in Pakistan, emigrated to California at 3 so dad could do PhD at Stanford, back to Pakistan at 9 with a severing of all American friendships, then whips back to US at 18 to attend Princeton (where he takes a writing class with Toni Morrison!), and then graduates into a 20-year business trajectory which he does while writing three award-winning novels on the side: Moth Smoke (2000), The Reluctant Fundamentalist (2007), and How To Get Filthy Rich Is Rising Asia (2013). That doesn't include Exit West (2017) which is perhaps his most popular. Or The Last White Man which came out this year. Back to this book: It's written in second person and tells a gripping tale of you – a poor boy from a poor family in a poor unnamed country – on your rise to riches. This is in my top ten novels of all time. Here’s Page 1. See if it hooks you like it did me: “Look, unless you’re writing one, a self-help book is an oxymoron. You read a self-help book so someone who isn’t yourself can help you, that someone being the author. This is true of the whole self-help genre. It’s true of how-to books, for example. And it’s true of personal improvement books, too. Some might even say it’s true of religion books. But some others might say that those who say that should be pinned to the ground and bled dry with the slow slice of a blade across their throats. So it’s wisest simply to note a divergence of views on that subcategory and move swiftly on. / None of the foregoing means self-help books are useless. On the contrary, they can be useful indeed. But it does mean that the idea of self in the land of self-help is a slippery one. And slippery can be good. Slippery can be pleasurable. Slippery can provide access to what would chafe if entered dry. / This book is a self-help book. Its objective, as it says on the cover, is to show you how to get filthy rich in rising Asia. And to do that it has to find you, huddled, shivering, on the packed earth under your mother’s cot one cold, dewy morning…” Annnnnd… that's just the first page. Continues powerfully from there.

Perfect for: anyone looking for a thinnish page-turner, grown-up fans of the second-person Choose Your Own Adventures, “business types” who want to read more fiction…

16. Carrying The Fire: An Astronaut’s Journey by Michael Collins. (L/I/A) Let’s say you were one of three people chosen to blast off on Apollo 11, the first ever mission to land on the moon, but just before you go they bring the three of you into a cramped kitchen at NASA and sit you down on a card table. “Neil, Buzz, you two will go down to the moon, walk around, plant a flag, give a speech to the world, talk to the President, and, uh, Michael? Yeahhhhhh. Well, we need someone to stay up on the ship. Sorry.” Michael takes the bummer in stride and seemingly absorbs every aspect of the experience and channels it into this poetic first-person account of the space program. Part of the beauty is that fifty years ago astronauts weren’t hyper-focused specialists. Michael Collins is a wide-ranging thinker who writes in a wise, literary style. The book came out in 1974 and is still in print today. Part of what's magical here are the seemingly endless forwards and prefaces. Get this: Charles Lindbergh, who flew the first ever solo transatlantic flight in 1927 (a harrowing 33-hour hour trip from New York to Paris!) writes a completely breathtaking introduction that captures the human spirit towards flight. Lindbergh died the year this book came out so the foreword feels like a baton from our attempted voyages into the air in the 1800s to the billionaire space flights today (which are discussed in the latest foreword.)

Perfect for: memoir fans, sciencey people, and anybody fascinated by space flight or the space program…

15. No One Belongs Here More Than You by Miranda July. (L/I/A) Sixteen short stories in 200 pages mean these tales come in digestible Alice-Munro-sized nuggets. But while Alice Munro’s stories sail down twisting rivers these blast into different dimensions. Paragraphs leap between times and views, a sudden sexual turn surprises, and (if you’re like me) you’ll find yourself flipping back a lot to re-place yourself inside the story. Deep under each one are rich veins of nearly inarticulable emotions underneath. A unique stirring happens when you read about (for example) Deb’s sudden relationship with the child of old-college-friend parents (both openly cheating on each other) and how it then morphs into that of a three-parent family and then a three-parent-family-going-to-therapy. Does it end there? Not even close. I won’t ruin the surprises left including the shocking finish. And this all happens in a dozen pages! Surprises behind every corner! And sentences always fascinating! The opening line of the book is “It still counts, even though it happened when he was unconscious.” There is nothing “hard” about the writing – no big words, I mean -- but the emotional cliffs are jagged and steep. 

Perfect for: people who enjoy George Saunders, twisted family dramas, or Everything, Everywhere All At Once

14. Beyond the Gender Binary by Alok Vaid-Menon. (L/I/A) Alok ("A-loke") Vaid-Menon was born in College Station, Texas in 1991 to parents from India and Malaysia. When they were young they’d dress up in their mom and sister’s clothes and dance around the living room to Bollywood hits for all their extended family but when they performed a similar routine onstage at the school talent show at age six ... they got laughed at by the entire school. Thus began a shame-filled odyssey of pretending to live as a boy -- or, at least, male-presenting -- for many years. And it also began a deep conversation about gender which they're helping lead globally today. This book firms Alok's place as a dynamic, powerful, clairvoyant voice. I folded the corners of at least 20 of this slim 58-page book and found myself underlining quote after quote. (Here are some popular quotes from the book.) I grew up the son of Indian immigrant parents in Canada with male and female binaries and the accompanying blue and pink clothes in blue and pink nurseries. Gender divides only deepened with age and, looking back, I know they caused me to self-censor sides of myself. Painting toenails to hide them in my socks, buying The Babysitter Club books “for my sister”, and quitting figure skating once I became the only boy at the rink. This book helped me remember, see, and accept a bit more of myself. And: Bit more on Alok? They created the global #DeGenderFashion movement, headlined the 2021 New York Comedy Festival, graduated at the top of their class twice at Stanford, and have lectured and performed in over 40 countries around the world. A complete riptide of an essay.

Perfect for: anyone looking to better “see the water” we’re all swimming in around gender, social, and cultural norms…

13. Chirri & Chirra Under the Sea by Kaya Doi with translation by David Boyd. (L/I/A) Back in 2004 this whimsical picture book came out in Japan featuring a “Night Riders-esque” tale of two young Japanese girls on bicycles ringing their bells (“Dring-dring! Dring-dring!”) and riding through a tunnel before suddenly dropping into a mystical underwater journey where they pedal through coral and discover a secret lounge where they sit on conch couches and seashell sofas before enjoying "sea-spray parfait à la conch" and "marine soda jelly topped with pearl cream." Brought to them by a crimson octopus with long eyelashes, blue eyeshadow, and a hotel maid’s outfit on, of course. Now, almost two decades later, David Boyd, Assistant Professor of Japanese at University of North Carolina, partnered with Brooklyn-based indie children's book publisher Enchanted Lion Books (treasure trove backlist!) for a magical English translation.  

Perfect for: that kid who has everything, fans of beautiful picture books, anyone looking for some imagination seeds…

12. The End of Everything (Astrophysically Speaking) by Katie Mack. (L/I/A) Were you one of those kids who felt just stunned when you first started to comprehend the size and vastness of the universe? I feel like the “Where are we? What are we doing here? What does it all mean?” questions hit a lot of us when we’re eight, nine, ten years old. Everyone responds differently, of course. (The 8-year-old Alvy Singer reaction from Annie Hall jumps out.) Maybe you sort of shove it away. Bury it! Ascribe to a belief system that calms or sets things down in a digestible order. Maybe you turn a bit nihilistic … fatalistic … optimistic? Or … maybe you just point your curiosity at these questions your whole life. Katie Mack did the last one. Growing up in California in the late 80s and early 90s she read A Brief History of Time by Stephen Hawking and then pursued an undergrad in Physics from CalTech followed by a PhD in astrophysics from Princeton … before starting even more fascinating work doing things like -- no big deal! -- building a dark matter detector. And then, yes, writing a truly mind-bending book about how the universe will eventually … end. Because there is a finish line. I warn you: There is a steep learning curve in this book and, if you’re like me, you’ll need to flip back often to digest it. A lot may fly over your head. Did mine! But Katie goes to great pains to make this accessible and I think she did a better job than Stephen Hawking. Every chapter pushed my mind farther and farther out. Much like ... the universe? The universe is lucky to have an engaging, generous, and funny teacher like Katie Mack. Even taking in a few chapters of this book is well, well worth it. 


Perfect for: science nerds, daydreamers, anyone who wants to zoom out of our planet for a little bit...

11. Dinner At The Homesick Restaurant by Anne Tyler. (L/I/A) I have never read a novel quite like this before. Let’s see: It’s about … nothing. In that Seinfeld sense of endlessly twisting plotlines about the minutiae of four people’s lives nothing. Less jazz riffs, less laugh tracks, more melancholy, more heart-scratching. There is a deep sadness between the covers of this book which tells the story of a single mother in Baltimore 70 years ago who simply never tells her children their father left them. What happens to the family from there? Well, that’s the book. A deeply feeling book with vivid characters and incredible detail offered through a how-does-she-do-it style of almost shockingly accessible prose. The net result is a three-dimensional hologram of a family you feel like you’re living beside.

Perfect for: people who like Alice Munro, book clubs (my mom read this in hers!), and anyone who likes intergenerational family dramas…

10. Sex At Dawn: How We Mate, Why We Stray, and What It Means for Modern Relationships by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jethá. (L/I/A) When film directors Daniels (creators of the masterpiece Everything, Everywhere All At Once which is picking up Oscar steam already) picked this book I hadn’t heard of it despite it being in its fortieth printing with over 30,000 reviews across Amazon and Goodreads. I opened the book and got punched in the nose by the Kahlil Gibran epigraph: “Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of life’s longing for itself.” That line has stayed with me since The Prophet and it sort of did that epigraphy thing of piquing interest in some yet-to-be-determined way. From there the book takes off like a rocket with sharp, whip-smart prose zooming you through an astounding millions-of-years-evolutionary-history of human sexuality. Nothing is off limits! Like Daniels themselves, the book delights in tackling taboos and challenging topics head-on while presumably knowing they’ll make a few mistakes along the way but hey? Is there any other way to really live? You can almost hear the authors gleefully spiking volleyballs into Charles Darwin’s and Jane Goodall’s foreheads while bouncing between topics like the type of porn we watch to our species’ relative penis size and, of course, why those things matter. Sure, some chapters are skippable and sure, a multi-million year evolutionary history of anything is going to have piles of things wrong. But this isn’t the type of book to read with the brakes on. Go all-in, enjoy the ride, and then pause to stew, process, and discuss. Strew, process, and discuss you will. 


Perfect for: fans of Esther Perel (pairs well with Mating in Captivity), fans of Dan Savage (there’s a Q&A with him in the back), or, you know, the person you’re sleeping with… 

9. Scarborough: A Novel by Catherine Hernandez. (L/I/A) Toronto is the fourth largest city in North America after Mexico City, New York, and Los Angeles, and is made up of five boroughs. Scarborough is likely the most diverse of the five -- culturally, ethnically, racially – and this book folds every corner of the sprawling community into a raw and mesmerizing read. When Leslie and I first started dating she was a Kindergarten teacher in a low-income neighborhood in Scarborough and the book feels like it could have been written by a handful of kids from her class. Every chapter alternates viewpoints, Babysitters Club Super Special-style, and the result is a portrait of deep poverty, urban blight, and soaring and (often) sinking hearts in the Kingston-Galloway neighborhood of Scarborough (where 41% of residents live in subsidized housing and 29% live in poverty). The fine point detail in this book is stunning and if you're from Toronto or have visited you'll get a double-whammy. Stories are loosely held together by the narrative of Hina, a young woman who runs the local literary center, as she jousts with decision-makers far from the community she serves. A poetic masterpiece.

Perfect for: people who like braided-plot movies like Traffic or 21 Grams, Torontonians, anyone with a bent towards social work or social justice… 

8. Finite and Infinite Games by James Carse. (L/I/A) 101 very short essays slowly and iteratively building on each other to ultimately pull off a wild thought experiment. What’s the first essay? It’s on the cover! “1. There are at least two kinds of games. One could be called finite; the other infinite. A finite game is played for the purpose of winning, an infinite game for the purpose of continuing the play.” Simple, right? James Carse is just warming you up. Carse, btw, was a NYU history and religion professor who died in 2020 and somehow sprung this 149-page magic trick onto the world way back in 1986. The illumination is that most of what’s worth living for can be called an infinite game. Parenting, learning, loving your close friends well. Pairs well with Clay Christenson’s famous How Will You Measure Your Life (which started as a talk and article) For me, most of the value in this book comes in the early pages and, actually, the metaphor felt dangerously close to collapsing like a wet chocolate cake in the middle. But: the first 50 pages of this book are worth way more than the ticket price. That’s all you need to read!

Perfect for: anyone struggling with overwhelm or what I'll call ‘life prioritization’...

7. Lullabies for Little Criminals by Heather O'Neill. (L/I/A) This is the kind of book where if you’ve read it and you meet someone else whose read it I suspect you both just quietly nod and let out a long, slow deep breath. Immersive, piercing, troubling, shocking, Heather O’Neill says in an interview “I knew I was going to take readers to places they’d never been before.” So what’s it about? Baby was born to parents who were 15. Her mom died a year later and the story begins in a first-person sort-of-journal-entry style when she’s 12 and being raised by her dad Theo in downtown Montreal. Theo is addicted to heroin and she bounces between foster homes and apartments with him while mostly living on the street. Eventually the local pimp Alphonse takes interest in her and, well, it goes from there.


Perfect for: fans of A Million Little Pieces by James Frey, book clubs, fans of 'first person journal' style writing...

6. The Hobbit by J.R.Tolkien. (L/I/A) According to this slightly dubious table on Wikipedia, The Hobbit is one of only seven books in the world that have sold over 100 million copies. (That is until Our Book of Awesome comes out in 3 days, am I right? Hello? 100 million people, are you with me?) Anyway, I hadn’t read it till this past summer. My oldest son had taken to flying through a few thin chapter books a night so The Hobbit served as a healthy form of reading quicksand. I read 10 pages to him a night and he sung all the songs in the text -- there are a lot! A wonderfully rollicking quest with a soft glowing magic emanating from deep within the page through the endless voices, wordplay, and twists. 

Perfect for: People who like Harry Potter or The Chronicles of Narnia and anyone looking for a book to read with their kids...

5. How to Develop Self-Confidence and Influence People by Public Speaking by Dale Carnegie. (L/I/A) I’ll come right out and say that if you speak publicly in any way you need this 96-year-old classic. 96 years old! Warren Buffet was in the middle of his Masters at Columbia when he spotted an ad in the paper for the Dale Carnegie Public Speaking course. He paid a hundred bucks and to this day calls it the best investment he’s ever made. Pretty big claim from a guy who owns a $120 billion of Apple, right? It’s easy to see why. Carnegie's thoughts on public speaking are priceless. He wrote his first three books ever on this one topic and delivers timeless messages with folksy charm. On Page 54 Carnegie teaches you how to end with an appeal for action, on Page 76 he teaches you how to write your speech down as a series of pictures to memorize, on Page 90 he explains the importance of writing out a pre-speech ritual, on Page 119 he talks about the benefits of standing versus sitting. I take many elements from this book when I craft a speech and find myself revisiting this classic to see what I can improve. There's always a lot.

Perfect for: teachers, coaches, or anyone looking to improve their communication to teams or audiences...

4. My Side Of The Mountain by Jean Craighead George. (L/I/A) Jean Craighead George grew up in the 1920s and 1930s in a family of naturalists who spent a lot of time in the bush. Her first pet was a turkey vulture! Jean's dad taught her how to make fires and fish hooks and find edible plants and even climb trees to study owlets. Her brothers even ended up becoming two of North America’s first falconers but, thankfully for us here in the next century, Jean carved her own path and become a writer. She wrote over a hundred books! Alie Ward, host of #1 science-pod Ologies, tipped me off to this 1959 classic and I found myself entranced by it. It’s a bit clinical but you really will feel like a 12-year-old boy who has run away from home to live alone in the forest. He climbs a tree to snatch a Peregrine Falcon chick and trains it to hunt. He traps, gets attacked, and then befriends a weasel that he calls The Baron. He makes deerskin clothing and preserves grains and tubers. It goes on and on and on. But it's written for kids! So it's super complicated but... for kids! A great way to learn. I like this New York Times book review from Sunday, September 13, 1959 which calls it “a delightful flight from civilization, written with real feeling for the woods.” If you want a delightful flight from civilization, if you want to slice your carving knife through our sometimes-suffocating techno-wrap, well then I have just the book for you. Run away to the forest with this one.

Perfect for: people weary of living in the 2020s, budding naturalists, kids threatening to run away from home…

3. Atlas of the Heart by Brené Brown. (L/I/A) I think this might be Brené Brown’s best book. I don’t say that lightly! It’s somehow rich as dense chocolate cake and light as the whipped cream on top. After a wonderful introduction the book opens up into essentially … a dictionary. Brené and her team catalogue 87 emotions you think you know … but would benefit from a little catchup on. On Anguish: “… powerlessness is what makes anguish traumatic. We are unable to change, reverse, or negotiate what has happened.” On Hope: "... We experience hope when we have the ability to set realistic goals ... we are able to figure out how to achieve those goals ... and we have agency..." Peppered with deep research, powerful quotes (“Boredom is your imagination calling to you.” Sherry Turkle) and Brené’s home-fried Texan wit, this atlas deserves a place on your shelf and in your, oh yes I’m going there, heart. (PS. Leslie and I sat down with Brené last year. Join us on the basement couch!)

Perfect for: teachers, boyfriends and girlfriends looking to color in their communication, anybody who just can’t get enough Brené Brown in their life… 

2. The Collected Essex County by Jeff Lemire. (L/I/A) This is one of the most emotionally rich, textured, and satisfying graphic novels I’ve ever read and I put it up on the high mantle with Maus by Art Spiegelman or Berlin by Jason Lutes. On the surface it’s a simple story of a young boy sent to live with his mom’s brother at his small-town farm after she dies of cancer but it starts with that seedling and goes deeper and deeper and deeper into: the young boy’s relationship with his father, how we handle feelings of regret and loss, the history of generational trauma in a small town, and all kinds of twisting family tales that weave together across generations. A truly masterful storytelling feat. I found myself crying at two in the morning several times while reading it. An underrated epic. 

Perfect for: hockey fans, people who like smalltown vibes, and anybody who enjoys family sagas like East of Eden or Anna Karenina … 

1. Just Mercy: A Story of Justice and Redemption by Bryan Stevenson. (L/I/A) Just Mercy tells the incredible life story of Bryan Stevenson, the Harvard law school grad who began the difficult and sometimes dangerous work defending Death Row prisoners in Alabama. Often wrongfully convicted. Often children condemned to die in prison when they were just 13 or 14. The book’s structure is mesmerizing itself: Bryan’s story braided with shorter cases, longer cases, chapters on US racial and mental health history, and even poems from prisoners. It’s gripping, entrancing, hold-your-breath reading. Every chapter swerves a different way. This book will both deeply inform your understanding of US racial, legal, and criminal history while also move you to tears with edge-of-your-seat courtroom drama and a biography of a guy multiple blurbers on the inside cover call "America's Mandela."

Perfect for: fans of true crime podcasts, anyone interested in criminal and racial history and politics, anyone who resonates and believes in the Martin Luther King Jr quote "... the arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice.”


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Don't Hesitate by Mary Oliver

Written by Mary Oliver | Full poem here

 

Mary Oliver poems fill my heart with little doses of awe and appreciation. This one is no exception.

 

Poem:

If you suddenly and unexpectedly feel joy,
don’t hesitate. Give in to it. There are plenty
of lives and whole towns destroyed
or about to be. We are not wise, and not very often
kind. And much can never be redeemed.
Still, life has some possibility left. Perhaps this
is its way of fighting back, that sometimes
something happens better than all the riches
or power in the world. It could be anything,
but very likely you notice it in the instant
when love begins. Anyway, that’s often the
case. Anyway, whatever it is, don’t be afraid
of its plenty. Joy is not made to be a crumb.

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43 Things I've (Almost) Learned As I Turn 43

I thought I’d celebrate my 43rd birthday by writing down 43 things I’ve (almost) learned. Lists like these are preachy by nature so, you know, just take what you like and leave the rest.

Here we go:

1. Life is too short for unsalted butter.

2. When arguing: Start sentences with ‘I’ not ‘You’.

3. Text friends, email coworkers.

4. Best gratitude game at dinner: Rose, Rose, Thorn, Bud.

5. Never start a speech by apologizing.

6. Clothing stores offer 2 of 3 of fashion, price, and quality. H&M? Fashion and price. Old Navy? Price and quality. Prada? Fashion and quality. Know what you’re buying, don’t expect what you’re not.

7. Five people who love you are worth a lot more than five million who like you.

8. Nothing is as expensive as a cheap pair of shoes.

9. You do make friends with salad. Master a great one.

10. Low opinion of others, low opinion of self? Cynical. High opinion of others, low opinion of self? Insecure. Low opinion of others, high opinion of self? Arrogant. High opinion of others, high opinion of self? Confidence. Aim for confidence.

11. To a large extent: If you can be happy with simple things it will be simple to be happy.

12. The three best home improvements are fresh paint, fresh flowers, and fresh air.

13. Never retire. Look for the 4 S’s instead: Social (friends), Structure (schedule), Stimulation (learning), and Story (purpose).

14. To be the favored client: Pay the bill as soon as you see it.

15. You’re the best judge of how good it is. You’re the worst judge of how well it will do.

16. Remember the 3 G’s in sex: Good, Giving, and Game.

17. Loosen the pickle jar lid but give it to a kid to pop.

18. To remember 2-digit numbers: Memorize 9 images and combine them. I use candle for 1, bicycle for 2, tripod for 3, table for 4, home plate for 5, soccer ball for 6, swan for 7, stop sign for 8, cat for 9, donut for 0. Friend’s birthday is 27th? Picture a swan on a bicycle. Movie comes out on the 16th? Picture a candle on soccer ball.

19. The best way to avoid a fight is to have a snack.

20. Before work trips: Hide a note under everyone’s pillow.

21. You always regret not doing more than you regret doing. Lean in.

22. Schedule one Untouchable Day each week.

23. The 7 for 7 Rule: 7 minutes of stretching for 7 hours better sleep.

24. If you have signed a contract with your work you need a signed contract with your family, too.

25. For perspective: Leave ten stones on your dresser, one for each decade of your life. Move one forward every ten years. Daily problems feel smaller with a zoom out.

26. It is easier to act yourself into a new way of thinking than to think yourself into a new way of acting. If in doubt? Start.

27. People remember who stayed till the end of the wedding. Stay till the end of the wedding.

28. Always cut grilled cheese into triangles.

29. For better skin: Bathe less.

30. Keep a lacrosse ball in your suitcase. Nothing improves a bad hotel room like a wall massage before bed.

31. You are not allowed to leave a bookstore without buying a book.

32. Practice 2 minute mornings: Before starting your day write and fill out: “I will let go of…”, “I am grateful for…”, “I will focus on…”

33. For better focus, attention, and privacy: Don’t take your phone.

34. 10 second mood lift: Hold the sides of your ribs and take a slow deep breath to inflate them outwards without raising your shoulders.

35. Put a gift note to yourself in the online order.

36. Woo the subconscious: Keep blank cue cards and a pen on your bedside table.

37. 3 best words for friends in tough times: “Tell me more…”

38. The only two ways to reply to any invite: No or Hell Yeah.

39. Swear words are the sharp knives in word kitchen. Teach kids how to use safely – not avoid.

40. Easiest way to love a park: Pick up one piece of trash every visit.

41. Leave the backup toilet paper where your guests can find it.

42. For assorted poisons you enjoy: Make it a treat.

43. Remember: If you have what you need it doesn’t matter what anyone else has.

 

I’m pretty sure I stole all of these but a few specific credits: Ryan Holiday (3), Mario Pilozzi (6), Kevin Kelly (7), Dan Savage (16), Derek Sivers (38), Sarah Silverman (42), and my dad (43).

 

Read more of my birthday advice:

45 Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 45

44 Things I’ve (Almost) Learned As I Turn 44

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Dust If You Must by Rose Milligan

Hey everyone,

My kids finish school for the holidays in two days and everything's feeling busy. I stumbled across this old poem from Rose Milligan to help remind me what's important. Take a moment to let something fall off your holiday list today and instead just enjoy a moment of connection or love.

Neil

PS. If you insist on loading up for the holidays I recommend checking out my (pandemic written) ​Holiday Gift Guide​. And, you know, nothing wrong with pulling off the spectacular ​Super Present Power Shop​, either.


Dust If You Must by Rose Milligan

Dust if you must, but wouldn't it be better
To paint a picture, or write a letter,
Bake a cake, or plant a seed;
Ponder the difference between want and need?

Dust if you must, but there's not much time,
With rivers to swim, and mountains to climb;
Music to hear, and books to read;
Friends to cherish, and life to lead.

Dust if you must, but the world's out there
With the sun in your eyes, and the wind in your hair;
A flutter of snow, a shower of rain,
This day will not come around again.

Dust if you must, but bear in mind,
Old age will come and it's not kind.
And when you go (and go you must)
You, yourself, will make more dust.


Another way I keep focused on what matters is the Okinawan concept of ​ikigai​.

Not sure how to get everything done so you can spend time with your family this holiday season? ​Check out my tips​ on how to cut meeting time (and any other to-do!) in half.

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The Sun by Mary Oliver

Written by Mary Oliver | Full poem here

 

Mary Oliver poems fill my heart with little doses of awe and appreciation. This one is no exception.

 

Poem:

Have you ever seen
anything
in your life
more wonderful

than the way the sun,
every evening,
relaxed and easy,
floats toward the horizon

and into the clouds or the hills,
or the rumpled sea,
and is gone–
and how it slides again

out of the blackness,
every morning,
on the other side of the world,
like a red flower

streaming upward on its heavenly oils,
say, on a morning in early summer,
at its perfect imperial distance–
and have you ever felt for anything
such wild love–
do you think there is anywhere, in any language,
a word billowing enough
for the pleasure

that fills you,
as the sun
reaches out,
as it warms you

as you stand there,
empty-handed–
or have you too
turned from this world–

or have you too
gone crazy
for power,
for things?

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What You Missed That Day You Were Absent From Fourth Grade by Brad Modlin

Written by Brad Modlin | Full poem here

 

Thank you to reader Christine O’Leary who pointed me to this little poem by Brad Modlin, Chair of Creative Writing at the University of Nebraska and author of the poetry collection Everyone At This Party Has Two Names. This is one of those “read it again right after you read it” poems for me. I found it helped zoom out and above a lot of the “have tos” and “should dos” in life and focus a little more on what really matters.

 

Poem:

Mrs. Nelson explained how to stand still and listen
to the wind, how to find meaning in pumping gas,

how peeling potatoes can be a form of prayer. She took
questions on how not to feel lost in the dark

After lunch she distributed worksheets
that covered ways to remember your grandfather’s

voice. Then the class discussed falling asleep
without feeling you had forgotten to do something else—

something important—and how to believe
the house you wake in is your home. This prompted

Mrs. Nelson to draw a chalkboard diagram detailing
how to chant the Psalms during cigarette breaks,

and how not to squirm for sound when your own thoughts
are all you hear; also, that you have enough.

The English lesson was that I am
is a complete sentence.

And just before the afternoon bell, she made the math equation
look easy. The one that proves that hundreds of questions,

and feeling cold, and all those nights spent looking
for whatever it was you lost, and one person

add up to something.

From Everyone at This Party Has Two Names - Southeast Missouri State University Press, 2016.

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Dreamland by Mark Twain

Written by Mark Twain

 

Context:

Do you dream much? Not at all? My wife Leslie routinely wakes up vividly recounting her dreams. They're always intense and dramatic. Mine are more routine -- like I'm living another day at night sometimes. Since I was a kid I've been wondering what dreams are. About fifteen years ago I read a book on lucid dreaming and started up a Dream Diary to see if I could more frequently 'direct' my dreams from the inside. It worked a bit too well when I started mixing up daytime and nighttime realities, which felt dizzying, and so I stopped and the skill gradually fell away.

Most of us have some deep-seeded wonder or curiosity or beliefs about dreams. Maybe we use them to explore or investigate parts of ourselves, as conversations with other sides of our consciousness, as a memory-sorting device, or as a form of pleasure or escape. Mark Twain was no exception. A full 110 years ago he wrote this magical little essay in Harper's. I hope you like it as much as I did.

 

Article:

I once awoke from a dream while crossing Bond Street in New York with a friend, and it was snowing hard. We had been talking, and there had been no observable gaps in the conversation. I doubt if I had made any more than two steps while I was asleep. But I am satisfied that even the most elaborate and incident-crowded dream is seldom more than a few seconds in length. It is swifter than waking thought; for thought is not thought at all, but only a vague and formless fog until it is articulated into words.

The habit of writing down my dreams while they are fresh in my mind, and then studying them and rehearsing them and trying to find out what the source of dreams is, and which of the two or three separate persons inhabiting us is their architect, has given me a good dream-memory—a thing which is not usual, for few drill the dream-memory, and no memory can be kept strong without that.

In my waking hours, I cannot draw even the simplest picture with a pencil, nor do anything with a brush and colors; I cannot bring before my mind’s eye the detailed image of any building known to me except my own house; of St. Paul’s, St. Peter’s, the Eiffel Tower, the Taj, the Capitol at Washington, I can reproduce only portions, partial glimpses; the same with Niagara Falls, the Matterhorn, and other familiar things in nature. I cannot bring before my mind’s eye the face or figure of any human being known to me. I have seen my family at breakfast within the past two hours; I cannot bring their images before me, I do not know how they look.

Before me, as I write, I see a little grove of trees in the garden; high above them projects the slender lance of a young pine, beyond it is a glimpse of the upper half of a dull-white chimney covered by a little roof, and half a mile away is a hilltop densely wooded, and then a curved, wide vacancy, which is smooth and grass-clad. But I cannot shut my eyes and reproduce that picture at all, nor any single detail of it except the grassy curve, and that but vaguely and fleetingly.

My dream-artist can draw anything, and do it perfectly; he can paint with all the colors and all the shades, and do it with delicacy and truth. He can place before me vivid images of palaces, cities, hamlets, hovels, mountains, valleys, lakes, skies, glowing in sunlight or moonlight, or veiled in driving gusts of snow or rain, and he can set before me people who are intensely alive, and who feel, and express their feelings in their faces, and who also talk and laugh, sing and swear. And when I wake I can shut my eyes and bring back those people, and the scenery and the buildings; and not only in general view, but often in detail.

Everything in a dream is more deep and strong and sharp and real than is ever its pale imitation in the unreal life which is ours when we go about awake and clothed with our artificial selves in this vague and dull-tinted artificial world. When we die we shall slough off this cheap intellect, perhaps, and go abroad to Dreamland clothed in our real selves, and aggrandized and enriched by the command over the mysterious mental magician who is here only our guest.

In our dreams—I know it!—we do make the journeys we seem to make; we do see the things we seem to see; the people, the horses, the cats, the dogs, the birds, the whales, are real, not chimeras; they are living spirits, not shadows; and they are immortal and indestructible. They go whither they will; they visit all resorts, all points of interest, even the twinkling suns that wander in the wastes of space. That is where those strange mountains are which slide from under our feet while we walk, and where those vast caverns are whose bewildering avenues close behind us and in front when we are lost, and shut us in. We know this because there are no such things here, and they must be there, because there is no other place. 

Originally appeared in the December 1912 issue of Harper’s Magazine.

 

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Two powerful songs about fatherhood by Harry Chapin and John Lennon

Cat’s Cradle by Sandy Chapin & Harry Chapin | Source here

Watching the Wheels by John Lennon | Source here

 

Context:

I wanted to share two songs -- two poems -- about fatherhood.

After I wrote this journal entry last week I couldn't get the lyrics to “Cat's Cradle” by Harry Chapin out of my head. I realized I probably had the lyrics in my head since 1992 when Ugly Kid Joe covered the famous 1964 Harry Chapin single and introduced it to a new generation. For a suburban Toronto kid in the early 90s if a song was on the Top 6 at 6 with Tarzan Dan ... everybody knew it. A gripping poem peeling open father-son relationship tensions written, evidently, by Chapin's wife Sandy.

Years later I had kids and began listening to "Watching The Wheels" by John Lennon. It was the final single from John's 1980 "Double Fantasy" album and released a few months after his assassination. It's sort of a "mirror song" to Cat's Cradle because this poem talks about the cultural hits a man takes from others -- "People say I'm crazy ..." -- when he chooses to pause his career to take care of his children. At the time John living in New York with Yoko raising their son Sean and the video opens with John carrying Sean in a carrier through Central Park ... just steps from where he was shot.

I feel like these two songs -- two poems -- twist into something demonstrating the power of communicating such vast and complex emotions in such few words. And, as a father, I feel I always take something away from them both.

 

Song Lyrics:

CATS CRADLE

My child arrived just the other day
He came to the world in the usual way
But there were planes to catch, bills to pay
He learned to walk while I was away
And he was talking 'fore I knew it, and as he grew
He'd say "I'm gonna be like you, dad"
"You know I'm gonna be like you"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon

Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
"But we'll get together then"
"You know we'll have a good time then"

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, "Thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play"
"Can you teach me to throw?", I said-a, "Not today"
"I got a lot to do" He said, "That's okay dad"
And he, he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
"But we'll get together then"
"You know we'll have a good time then"

Well, he came from college just the other day
So much like a man I just had to say
"Son, I'm proud of you, can you sit for a while?"
He shook his head, and then he said with a smile
"What I'd really like, dad, is to borrow the car keys
See you later, can I have them please?"

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
"But we'll get together then, dad"
"You know we'll have a good time then"

I've long since retired, my son's moved away
I called him up just the other day
I said, "I'd like to see you if you don't mind"
He said, "I'd love to, dad, if I can find the time
You see, my new job's a hassle, and the kids have the flu
But it's sure nice talking to you, dad
It's been sure nice talking to you"

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
He'd grown up just like me
My boy was just like me

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, son?" "I don't know when"
"But we'll get together then, dad"
"You know we'll have a good time then"

(Written by: Harry F. Chapin / Sandy Chapin, © Warner Chappell Music, Inc)

WATCHING THE WHEELS

People say I'm crazy
Doing what I'm doing
Well they give me all kinds of warnings
To save me from ruin
When I say that I'm okay, well they look at me kinda strange
"Surely you're not happy now, you no longer play the game"

People say I'm lazy
Dreaming my life away
Well they give me all kinds of advice
Designed to enlighten me
When I tell that I'm doing fine watching shadows on the wall
"Don't you miss the big time, boy, you're no longer on the ball?"

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go

Ah, people asking questions
Lost in confusion
Well, I tell them there's no problem
Only solutions
Well, they shake their heads and they look at me, as if I've lost my mind
I tell them there's no hurry, I'm just sitting here doing time

I'm just sitting here watching the wheels go round and round
I really love to watch them roll
No longer riding on the merry-go-round
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go
I just had to let it go

(Written by: John Lennon, © Downtown Music Publishing)

 

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Quotes On Reading by Marcel Proust

Written by Marcel Proust

 

Context:

Proust’s quotes on reading feel like poetry to me. If you’d like to hear me talk about Proust with Edward Packard, creator of Choose Your Own Adventure, just click here. (PS. If you’re looking for an accessible way into Proust I highly recommend Alain de Botton’s How Proust Can Change Your Life which wonderfully distills and sorts so much of his endless wisdom).

 

Quotes:

"Reading is that fruitful miracle of a communication in the midst of solitude."

"Reading is at the threshold of spiritual life; it can introduce us to it; it does not constitute it. There are, however, certain cases, certain pathological cases, so to speak, of spiritual depression in which reading can become a sort of curative discipline and assume the task, through repeated stimulation, of continuously reintroducing a lazy mind into the life of the spirit."

"There are perhaps no days of our childhood that we lived so fully as those we spent with a favourite book."

"That abominable and sensual act called reading the newspaper, thanks to which all the misfortunes and cataclysms in the universe over the last twenty-four hours, the battles which cost the lives of fifty-thousand men, the murders, the strikes, the bankruptcies, the fires, the poisonings, the suicides, the divorces, the cruel emotions of statesmen and actors, are transformed for us, who don't even care, into a morning treat, blending in wonderfully, in a particularly exciting and tonic way, with the recommended ingestion of a few sips of cafe au lait."

"In reality, every reader is, while reading, the reader of his own self."

"Theoretically, we know that the world turns, but in fact we do not notice it, the earth on which we walk does not seem to move and we live on in peace. This is how it is concerning Time in our lives. And to render its passing perceptible, novelists must... have their readers cross ten, twenty, thirty years in two minutes."

"A man of letters, merely by reading a phrase, can estimate exactly the literary merit of its author."

"The heart changes...but we learn of it only from reading or by imagination; for in reality its alteration, like that of certain natural phenomena, is so gradual that, even if we are able to distinguish, successively, each of its different states, we are still spared the actual sensation of change."

"After a certain age our memories are so intertwined with one another that what we are thinking of, the book we are reading, scarcely matters any more. We have put something of ourselves everywhere, everything is fertile, everything is dangerous, and we can make discoveries no less precious than in Pascal's Pensées in an advertisement for soap."

"In the sort of screen dappled with different states of mind which my consciousness would simultaneously unfold while I read, and which ranged from the aspirations hidden deepest within me to the completely exterior vision of the horizon which I had, at the bottom of the garden, before my eyes, what was first in me, innermost, the constantly moving handle that controlled the rest, was my belief in the philosophical richness and beauty of the book I was reading, and my desire to appropriate them for myself, whatever that book might be."

"Every reader finds himself. The writer's work is merely a kind of optical instrument that makes it possible for the reader to discern what, without this book, he would perhaps never have seen in himself."

 

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"Be Drunk" by Charles Baudelaire

Written by Charles Baudelaire (link to original poem here)

 

Context:

James Frey, author of A Million Little Pieces, introduced me to this poem when he had me read the Charles Baudelaire poetry collection Paris Spleen before our chat on 3 Books. It stuck with me as a way to twist expectations -- maybe clickbait before clickbait -- and demonstrates so much power in such few words.

 

Poem:

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it—it's the only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually drunk.

But on what? Wine, poetry or virtue, as you wish. But be drunk.

And if sometimes, on the steps of a palace or the green grass of a ditch, in the mournful solitude of your room, you wake again, drunkenness already diminishing or gone, ask the wind, the wave, the star, the bird, the clock, everything that is flying, everything that is groaning, everything that is rolling, everything that is singing, everything that is speaking. . .ask what time it is and wind, wave, star, bird, clock will answer you: "It is time to be drunk! So as not to be the martyred slaves of time, be drunk, be continually drunk! On wine, on poetry or on virtue as you wish."

 

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