John Steinbeck on Falling in Love: A 1958 Letter of Advice to His Lovesick Teenage Son

Hey everyone,

I have a little gem about love to share with you today.

Scroll down to read it or hang up here for the backstory!

I think I was assigned '​Of Mice and Men​' by ​John Steinbeck ​(1902-1968) in high school and it was good but didn't really ... hit me. Then something bizarre happened: I met two strangers on the same night (who also didn't know each other!) and both had elements of '​East of Eden​' by Steinbeck ... tattooed on their body!? (I recount the tale in my ​March 2017 book club.​) So I picked up that book and it did hit me — such a big and full and aware feeling of the world and I have recalled its emotional envelope many times since.

More recently, via bringer-of-good-things ​Maria Popova​, I stumbled across a letter that John Steinbeck wrote to his 14-year-old son Thom back in 1958. Thom had written to his dad telling him that he'd fallen desperately in love with Susan at boarding school and this is the note he got back from ol' pops. Pretty remarkable letter! For me, I felt both a higher level calling to the loves in my life and also learned quite a bit about how to write a good letter to my kids!

Hope you enjoy,

Neil

//

New York

November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning. I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First — if you are in love — that’s a good thing — that’s about the best thing that can happen to anyone. Don’t let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second — There are several kinds of love. One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance. This is the ugly and crippling kind. The other is an outpouring of everything good in you — of kindness and consideration and respect — not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable. The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn’t know you had.

You say this is not puppy love. If you feel so deeply — of course it isn’t puppy love.

But I don’t think you were asking me what you feel. You know better than anyone. What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it — and that I can tell you.

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful. Try to live up to it.

If you love someone — there is no possible harm in saying so — only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another — but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I’m glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan. She will be very welcome. But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to. She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens — The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.

Love,

Fa

Pair this letter with ​this one​ F. Scott Fitzgerald wrote to his daughter.

Or want more wisdom from Steinbeck? Check out this ​blog post ​ I wrote about his novel ​The Log From the Sea of Cortez​.

Or if you'd like more parenting wisdom? Check out my ​3 Books podcast with Ginny Yurich​ (Homeschooling mother of five and founder of 1000 Hours Outside).